“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
just pretend nothing happened
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.