Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
A short story about romance.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*