[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.