I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
what could possibly go wrong?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted