I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.