PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I really had high hopes for this year though
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
ouch
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.