[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
This is what makes twitter great
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.