Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!