My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
mathematically impossible
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!