Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I have never related to anyone more.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
*looks at you in batman voice*
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.