The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Ah..makes sense now
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.