Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling