Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
President The Rock Obama
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Important reminders
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.