They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
When I laugh on my period
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.