WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.