I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Midwest trash talk
You better watch out
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them