Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Same pineapple, same
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”