Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence