In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me