Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?