This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
You Might Also Like
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.