(before sex)
*sings national anthem
You Might Also Like
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!