“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.