*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight