Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.