5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that