*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
.. do you even science?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Meow
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!