[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Before & after 😅
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.