me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.