I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
181.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?