Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I came this close!!!!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.