Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.