Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
How about daylight saves us for once
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?