I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
2 years later
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
are they though??
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Scream sneezers need love too.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Best table by far
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.