The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.