I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
You Might Also Like
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware