How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
🙋♀️
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I hope it’s French Onion!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
i can’t wait that long
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁