As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.