Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…