My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired