10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.