My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I never needed anything more in my life
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks