adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
what the
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.