10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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Hank is one in a melon.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
every. time.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine