I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.