If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
subtitles are so good nowadays