I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
how to exercise your calf muscles
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.