*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I鈥檓 driving.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Don鈥檛 you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I鈥檝e had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I鈥檝e been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I鈥檒l leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 馃槓
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.