*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“The Perfect Relationship”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.