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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.